Klondike Kate's Space

Water Park Weekend

2009-03-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

Our weekend water park get away was great.

The drive into Idaho took me into new territory – I’d never been past Spokane. The hills and Coeur d’Alene lake were really beautiful.

Since I started the weekend on the verge of a nervous breakdown, we got on the road about 1pm after a nice and slow morning and arrived around 4pm. Silver Mountain is everything a ski resort should be – fireplaces, dark wood trims, picturesque setting… very nice.

We checked into our room and headed to the indoor water park where we met up with the other two families. The water park was a huge hit for AJ who would have kept going down the waterslides all night if I had left her in there!

The water slides were really great and I even went down the family tube “Moose Sluice” a couple times. Turns out a water slide is really a lot like an amusement ride – a couple of turns is about the max for this mom!

AJ loved every attraction and even mastered the very cool Flow Rider surf wave. We went back Saturday morning and spent another few hours playing in the water and hanging out with our friends.

I had not slept well so I cancelled our room for the second night and the hotel comped us two gondola ride tickets! Very nice! So we took a ride in North America’s longest gondola – almost 20 minutes to get to the top of the mountain. Unfortunately for us a blizzard blew in that afternoon and it was almost whiteout conditions at the top of the mountain (being blown around in a gondola – very fun!). But we had fun eating lunch in the lodge before heading back down.

Even though we only stayed 1 day at Silver Mountain, we had planned to be gone the whole weekend. So I decided to head back to Hayden, ID and go to Raptor Reef water park the next day.

The 45 minute trip between Kellogg and Hayden was some of the worst winter driving I’ve ever had to do. The blizzard at the top of the gondola ride – ran into that driving out of town. Hit the pass in the 4^th of July rec area and was all-of-a-sudden driving on ice that quickly became ice with water running over it. It was bumper to bumper traffic going 2 miles an hour past sliding semi’s, flares and ID State Troopers. I was sooooo thankful to reach the hotel!

The next day was the water park at Triple Play – Raptor Reef. It had this amazing water slide that swirled you around in a vortex before sending you down again. I think we were about water parked out as we only lasted a few hours before hitting the road for home. I’d definitely like to go back and visit as we never got to bowl and AJ really wanted to spend hours playing the myriad of video games available.

All in all – a great weekend. And I’m no longer on the verge of a nervous breakdown! =-)

Like I never was

2009-02-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

My fabulous friends Jennie and Lisa hosted an 80's themed murder mystery party. I was "Lindy Lauper"...

I present the girl I never was in the '80's (but maybe should have tried!)

Absorbing Pain

2009-02-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

So AJ had her braces adjusted today. Well, for the first time, she's also feeling the wire poke at the back of her cheeks a bit. The orthodontist office gave us two care kits that included wax for just such an occasion when the braces were first put on. Needless to say, AJ can't find the kits or the wax.

I'm giving the dog an emergency bath (don't know what she got into but it reeked!), I come out of the bathroom hoping my child is ready for bed. Instead she looks me in the eye and says -

"You know mom, I couldn't find the wax stuff. So I was thinking about what I could put on there. And I was thinking - you know how tampons are cotton and stuff? So I cut one in half and put it up there... It was bleechh!"

OMG - you have no idea how hard it was to keep a straight face and praise her for trying to find a solution to her problem.

ROTFL!

Obligatory January Post

2009-01-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year oh faithful readers! Having broken my post-twice-in-a-month streak, I've made it my New Year's resolution to post at least once a year. Typing this post fulfills my resolution and my 2009 is off to a positive start! =-)

I was going to post cute Christmas and sledding pictures but AJ had an interesting melt down last night I thought I'd share. So here's the anatomy of a disturbed child's anger...

Message Number 1:
Note the use of my name instead of "mom". Sure sign that she's angry! I'm not quite sure what a fake person is...

And the flip side of Message 1:

Note that the "say sorry" and "give attention" are her demands to me, not instructions to herself.

Message 2:

Note the thinking process. I love this! She's really trying to figure out a way through her anger but doesn't quite make it.

Message 3:

Ahh, sweet moments of sorrow and understanding.

So the situation that triggered all of this was we were baby sitting a 7 month old infant. He was still here at 8:30pm and not at all ready to go to sleep and his parents were due in the next 30 minutes.

I tell my sweet daughter to get ready for bed because her bedtime is 8:30pm. She gets mad because she is older and should not have to go to bed before a tiny little baby. I refuse to change my mind or argue with her - she gets mad, begins to throw a fit and eventually chooses to not go to bed and sit in the door way of her room.

At this point I really need to brag on how far AJ has come and how good she really is doing. Even just a few months ago, AJ would have been thrilled to bring me the first two notes and demonstrate just how horrible she thought I was as a mother.

This time, she only brought me the third message! She wrote the first two in her room, worked through the feelings, figured out what was really bothering her, then brought me the apology letter. Yeah for AJ! She cried, we hugged, talked, snuggled and she was ready to go to sleep.

She brought me the first two messages this morning and explained that she had wanted to give them to me but she heard God tell her not to do it and she listened. Whooo hoo!

She had consequences this afternoon (when you throw a fit it takes energy out of the house so you need to do cleaning chores to help put energy back into the house) and did a very good job and had an excellent attitude the whole time.

She really has come so far - easy to forget when she pulls old stunts or I find ourselves going over the same ground. What a kid!

And because I can't resist... cute sledding pictures...

Just a general post

2008-12-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

OK - so the amazing thought of posting twice a month didn't quite happen... not like my faithful readers were surprised! =-)

On the home front we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My parents came over and I did the whole dinner at my house. It turned out very well and we had a nice afternoon together. It actually seemed like a small gathering since we usually find someone who doesn't have a place to go joining our table but I guess there were no strays in our circle this year!

Christmas deco is up and the house is looking quite festive! I keep trying to get gifts bought, wrapped and distributed early but... yeah... still working on that. 'Course I could blame my friends the Owens who had the audacity to buy a new house, renovate and move - effectively tying up my Saturdays for the last three weeks. Then again, I volunteered (building serious brownie points for a future move of my own!) and got to meet their great extended family including Lisa!

AJ is doing well at the moment. She seems to have backed off from the stealing and is actually doing really well with the restrictions at home and school. I'm enjoying the lack of drama but also holding my breath waiting for the next event. Her psych doc is considering new meds for her and they are looking at some scary diagnosis. It's so hard to diagnose kids - is their behavior indicative of PTSD? RAD? FASD? Personality disorder? Bi-polar? Just being a kid? Preteen hormones? Sad as it is, a diagnosis is important to us for two reasons - 1 to get the school to acknowledge and provide the need for services and 2 parenting help! Parenting techniques for a PTSD kid is different than parenting for brain damage with FASD or a lifetime situation like bi-polar. The overall goal is the same - love and attention to help them mature into responsible adults but techniques to use on the way vary greatly!

simple Woman

2008-11-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Jenn keeps gently reminded I have not posted in a long while. I am so completely overwhelmed with life at the moment I don't even know what to share. So I thought I'd do the Simple Woman meme that Jenn's started doing.

Who knows? I might even post twice in a month! =-)

Outside My Window...

It's dark. it's not Alaska but the change to winter is noticable. It was a very pretty fall day. I love bright red fall leaves!

I am thinking...

I want a nap!

I am thankful for...

Friends, family, connections. Some friends just adopted their third son today - National Adoption Day!

From the kitchen...

Adoption celebration means I don't have to cook. Whoo hoo!

I am wearing...

Jeans and a long sleeved shirt. A brand new shirt I should point out, that I promptly spilled egg onto as I was driving to work. Grrrr.

I am creating...

Wire and bead creations for friends for Christmas.

I am going...

To an adoption celebration! And then to bed 'cause the family that just adopted is having a huge work party on the new house tomorrow!

I am reading...

Books on adoption, the blue collar worker and a lovely fantasy series.

I am hoping...

AJ gets out of her funky snit and decides to listen.

I am hearing...

AJ bouncing a ball and reading in her room.

Around the house...

Hmmm, just things to do.

One of my favorite things...

Creative quiet time to myself.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:

Saturday: Help friends. Sunday: Church, clean the car, relax. Monday: back to school and work!

A picture to share...

AJ attended a special board breaking class for her Tae Kwon Do school and this is what she learned!

Real Estate - funny post

2008-09-22T22:33:00.001-07:00

So I'm thinking about buying a house sometime in the future. I'm checking out websites and came across this post.

I thought it was hysterical! Since I live in the area of these underground silos maybe I should check it out!

Seby's Eulogy

2008-09-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

It's been 6 weeks now and I just didn't feel like writing before this...

AJ and I were at the Oregon coast for a mini vacation with Grandma and Grandpa when Seby finally succumbed to his health issues.

The vet identified a small murmur in Seby's heart years ago. Each time we go to the vet, they would remark that the murmur was a bit more pronounced. This summer Seby developed congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema - basically his heart was so enlarged that it was no longer pumping blood efficiently and fluid was collecting in his lungs.

Medication worked for a while and we had our happy, playfull sweet puppy back. While we were on vacation though, he had a seizure from a lack of oxygen to his brain. His heart was growing so big it was actually impinging on his windpipe and the heart was pumping so inefficiently that oxygen was not circulating well.

It was a very traumatic night as we were in a little sea coast town away from familiar resources, trying to take care of Seby, find an emergency evening weekend vet, trying to keep AJ from going hysterical... Finally found a vet about 40 minutes away. Dad drove me and grandma stayed with AJ. Everyone said good bye to Seby at the house because I just knew he wasn't coming home.

The vet was very nice and sympathetic and in the end I made the choice to let Seby go and we put him to sleep.

It's been hard to get used to a home where Seby doesn't jump up and greet us as soon as we walk in the door. I miss they way he cuddled next to me on the couch. His personality was so big... and the house feel much quieter without him.

Glory is suffering too. She's become extremely anxious and will not leave my side while I'm home. If I go to a room and shut her out, she poops all over the house trying to find me/find a place to hide. She's even taken to trying to jump into the tub with me while I'm taking my morning shower!

AJ wants another dog. She's lost both Seby and Glory in a way since Glory is avoiding her and very clearly "my" dog. AJ really wants a dog that will love her. I don't think I'm ready yet. I am considering options though. I don't want a puppy! We're gone every day for 7-10 hours. Not exactly a good puppy situation!

He had the cutest little face...

Seby always looked like a drowned rat after a bath!

Christmas at my mom's house - playing King of the Mountain.

Cuddled with AJ...

Pictures!

2008-08-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

My wonderful friend Jan took pictures today of the adoption festivities. Here're a few highlights!

The limo at our apartment this morning. Boy did we create a stir for the neighbors! The limo is done in a racing theme complete with model racing cars in display boxes on the bar, 4 TV screens, sattelite radio - it was deluxe!

AJ was sooo pleased and excited to be riding in a limo. She's talked about wanting a limo ride for the two years I've had her. I've always told her to wait for Sr. Prom or her wedding. Isn't God good to organize this for her/us!!

My parents, AJ and I before the adoption. The mother/daughter twin look was at AJ's request.

Grandma and Grandpa show their love and emotion as the adoption proceeds.

AJ and I and our wonderful Judge.

Friends and family after the adoption.

Friends at IHOP for breakfast. The fabulous lady sitting next to me was AJ's social worker for most of AJ's sojourn in foster care. Love her!

We show off our new Bible with our matching names imprinted!

AJ and Grandma show off their family connection rings.

It's Official!

2008-08-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

It's done! I have officially adopted AJ!

This has been such a whirlwind morning and such an exhausting week. I haven't been this nervous and discombobulated since my wedding 17 years ago!

So much adrenaline and emotion today... It's only 11am here and I'm ready to call it a day!

A local limo company donated a ride to the foster-adopt parent group and I won the drawing at the last meeting! So I was able to surprise AJ this morning with a limo ride to the courthouse! And then we piled a bunch more people in the limo to go to IHOP for breakfast. The limo brought them all back and then brought AJ and I home. How cool is that!

The adoption itself was very emotional. We must have had 15 people there this morning supporting us and sharing in our joy. Our judge has presided over AJ's case since the beginning and she was very emotional. She did a wonderful little ceremony and told AJ she could be anything she wanted to be. I did my swearing of oaths (love, provide, care for... all the rights and responsibilities as a birth parent) and everyone cried. Even the baliff was wiping away little tears!

Lots of pictures afterward and then to IHOP for breakfast. Grandma gave AJ matching rings so she would always know love ties the family together. A friend gave us both new Bibles with our names imprinted on them which I just loved! A family picture frame, a teddy bear and so much friendship and joy!

I haven't planned the rest of the day because I figured we would want to just hang a bit after the excitement of the morning. So I think we'll chill and then maybe go to the movies.

It's a date!

2008-07-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

The official date is set!

Adoption - Friday, August 1st at 8:30am!

We're going to have a big party Sunday afternoon and invite all the social workers, judges, police, foster parents, etc. who were a part of her case. You are all invited so let me know if you'll be in town! =-)

So if we do the adoption on Friday and a party on Sunday - isn't there a rule that Saturday should be a spa day?

Photo Shoot

2008-07-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

AJ and I just had the funnest session at Sears getting anniversary/adoption portraits done. I just couldn't wait to share with you all. She is so cute!

Update

2008-06-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

I might actually get to adopt AJ yet. This process has taken so long. I only have one hurdle left. The State offers adoption subsidies to parents who adopt foster kids with special needs. AJ qualifies - about 6 times over!

Anyway, I did the "negotiation" meeting. (That's actually what they call it! Like I'm buying a used car - or in this case a used child??? Ridiculous.) At the end of actually a very cordial and productive meeting, the guy informed me that the amount we just spent 90 minutes discussing, would be reduced by a significant amount when she turned 12. Because, apparently in 15 months, she will have miraculously changed into a child that will not need close supervision. Since I know this will not be true for my alcohol affected, PTSD, social skills deprived daughter, I am "negotiating" for the entire amount to be in place until the mandated 5 year review.

So now we wait again. The State really wanted to complete the adoption in June since that's the end of their fiscal year. Well, that's obviously not going to happen. Without the pressure of the June deadline, I hope they get back to me soon.

It's amazing how much of an advocate I've had to become for my child.

Did you know when you adopt a child out of foster care, the State provides the entire foster care case file as part of the full disclosure? So I received a paper box FULL of 8 volumes of AJ's life the past three years. And oh the things I've learned. Like dad's seriously a few fries short of a happy meal... her mother is legally married still - but not to her father... alcohol abuse is multi-generational issue on both sides... CPS (child protective services) involvement in three states... family health history of spina bifida, breast cancer and mental health issues... and the family story is so sad and there are so many victims.

I do want to provide a good life for her but I'm completely overwhelmed now. I feel blessed to have things like monthly financial support, respite care, counseling, etc. Things I know many parents would love but don't have access to. But I'm also feeling so strained by the thought of the future and raising this wonderful, fun, athletic child who is so very difficult.

I'm currently in volume 5 of 8 - she came into my home at the end of volume 4. When I finish through all 8 volumes, I'll probably feel differently, but right now I'm feeling very inadequate as a parent. In the other volumes they describe AJ as no longer needing counseling, on target for grade level, doing "wonderfully" in her foster home etc.

Now all the things I started documenting are showing up. The nightmares, the violent fantasies, the day care issues, the school work issues, the need for counseling. AJ is described as doing "fine" in my home.

Granted there was a lot going on. AJ had moved from a long foster placement (14 months), to a placement that barely lasted 5 weeks to my house. She was no longer able to visit her birth parents because of their legal issues. She went from 2x weekly visits to nothing to one a week and then she didn't get any visits with dad because of a restraining order.

So there's good reason why she was acting out in my home. I just like being the hero. In volume 5 there is a marked change in how well AJ is doing and it's hard not to connect it to me. Then again, hopefully volume 8 will document the marked improvement that's happening in her life! =-)

Adoption Update

2008-04-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

We met with our adoption worker Erin this week. I have a bunch of paperwork today but she's met AJ and I've done my fingerprint check so we're on our way!

When I became a foster parent I had to be fingerprinted and checked. Now that I'm adopting a child out of foster care, I have to get fingerprinted and checked again! That doesn't make any sense to me!

On other news... I got my cell phone bill and was surprised to see $140 in charges I never made. All the charges were on the day my phone was stolen. I'm on the phone right now with my service provider...they better remove these fraudulent charges!

Adoptive Mom to Be!

2008-03-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally happening!

The adoption worker from the state talked with me today. We set up our first meeting for Monday!!!

Things should move pretty fast from this point so I'm still hoping to have the adoption finalized by the beginning of summer. At this meeting the adoptions worker will give me AJ's file as a disclosure to the pre-adoptive parent. We'll go over the adoption support stuff. She'll direct me to go get FBI finger printed. I'll find out if I need a new home study. All sorts of stuff.

Yippee!!

This is really good news since AJ had a really bad visit with her birth mom yesterday. Her mom hasn't seen AJ in 6 months and she comes to the visit drunk. Amazing. On the one hand I'm calloused and angered by the birth mom's actions. On the other hand, I realize what a powerful hold alcohol has on this woman's life.

AJ was understandably quite upset by the visit though she was very happy to see her mom and they did share a few laughs together.

The next visit is not until September and will be under the open adoption agreement. Which means that I'll be the supervisor. And if birth mama comes drunk, this mama's going to go into serious mama-bear mode to protect my child!

Great Weekend!

2008-03-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

As Jenn so generously reminded me, I have not been keeping up with my blog. So here's some news and highlights.

This weekend was quite a doozie. Someone broke into my house while we were sleeping and stole the contents of my purse and went through the file drawers in my desk. The first thing I heard about it is when I got a call Saturday morning from the police department saying they had some of my "personal effects" and had I experienced a robbery lately?

Yeah, that'll wake you up in the morning.

So another thing to keep from AJ. Since the robber took the contents of my purse but left my purse in its usual spot (!), I didn't realize I had been robbed. Anyway, I woke up Andrea and took her to a very compassionate friends house on the pretense I needed to shop for a surprise for her. I called my mom and sent her on and Easter basket hunt and spent the rest of the day giving a report to cops, changing the locks, canceling all my credit cards, placing holds/fraud alerts on all accounts, trying to get a new cell phone, etc., etc. So all was well on the surface when my friend brought AJ by later that afternoon.

That afternoon I got food poisoning so I laid on the couch a lot and I basically didn't eat until dinner today (gotta love diet 7-up and crackers!).

Helped AJ deal with the twin tragedies of a bleeding toe on her guniea pig and the death of her water snail (then lost my cookies yet again).

Went over to my parents for an Easter/belated birthday dinner of grilled chicken and potato salad (totally yummy but which I couldn't eat).

Then I desperately tried to do 8 hours of weekend office work in about an hour but experienced internet connectivity issues so couldn't send the documents I did manage to do to the office for the important meeting this afternoon.

So yeah - that was my weekend. How about you?

Monday Update - AJ still has no idea anything bad happened over the weekend - yeah! What I did manage to create for work over the weekend and this morning still enabled me to look totally prepared for my important meeting and I kicked butt! I got a new cell phone - a Motorolla Razr - ooo oooh! Was able to get some cash from the bank so I don't feel like I'm completely without resources for the next 10 days while new debit cards and checks show up. Feeling a bit better and enjoyed some leftover grilled chicken and potato salad for dinner.

Confession

2008-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

OMG! She confessed!!!!

AJ has a horrible, pervasive, compulsive lying problem. She will deny taking the cookie while she's still chewing it.

A month or two ago she came to me all freaked out because she had these painful, itchy bumps under her arm. Well, low and behold, there's a shaving rash under her arm and no hair!

I asked her if she shaved. Oh no. She hadn't shaved, she cut the hair with scissors! I told her I didn't believe her and that it was obvious she had used my razor without permission. She yelled, stamped around, slammed the door, loudly proclaimed I never believed her, etc. And that was the end of round one.

So tonight she comes in and is worried about her arm pit hair. She's afraid it will grow so long and never stop and people will see (remember, she's 10: young woman's developing body, little girl's head). I suggest I could teach her to shave. "Ehwee, that's gross mommy!" I pointed out to her she has shaved once before and I didn't believe her "it was the scissors" story and, if she confessed, we could talk about teaching her how to shave. She stamped off yelling about how I always think she's lying, she's never shaved, etc., etc. Hmmm. End of round two.

So tonight during bedtime prayers she asks God to forgive her for lying to mommy. And, after tuck-in tickles, she says she wants to tell me something - "very big honesty". After lots of hemming and hawing and a long irrelevant story about calling another kid a name while playing tetherball, she finally confesses.

YEAH!!!!

It is so sweet to watch her heart grow and change.

I don't get her

2008-01-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

AJ get frustrated VERY easily. When confronted with any new task she immediately says she can't do it, gives up, and walks away. If pushed a bit she gets frustrated, defensive and angry. If cajoled, teased, mollified, encouraged, persuaded, etc she might try but still with lots of frustration.

For example, AJ has been playing violin since Sept. She loved playing in her Christmas concert and performed very proudly for the family on Christmas day. Well, now it's time to learn new songs. Instead of being eager to learn something new, she "practices" all the old songs. When I sit down with her and break down the new songs note by note (let's just play this first note, D. OK let's just play the second note, E) she becomes hostile, disrespectfully and bit verbally abusive.

this is not ok behavior in my book. I get that learning new stuff is hard. I get that it's frustrating. I even get that she has self-esteem, self-concept issues. But to not even try? That I don't understand.

Today we went over to my parents house to clean. AJ was vacuuming. The study had a bunch of books of the floor so she skipped it. And when I asked her if it was done she lied and said she did it. And when I showed her why I new she was lying (obvious dirt still on the carpet, no vacuum tracks), told her I wouldn't be mad and invited her to just say she hadn't done it yet she yelled and stormed about proclaiming her innocence. Difficult task = no trying and lying about it.

I'm really at a loss about this. Even the neurophsychologist who just did a bunch of testing on her called her "rigid". Learning how to approach new tasks is a fundamental skill. How I'm going to help her learn this without loosing my cool or my mind remains to be seen.

Love my child

2008-01-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

I love my child - I really do. But sometimes I could strangle her - she is soooo stubborn! This must be a test mommy's patience week.

Earlier in the week the 15 minutes clean out the guinea pig cage turned into 2 hours. The 45 minutes of weekly chores stretched to 8 hours!!! She's been so slow all week that she hasn't done her required 30 minutes of reading so she has 3 hours of reading to do today!!

(Internal mantra: I love my child. I will not be upset by her choices. I love my child. I will not allow her to get to me. I love my child. I will not loose my cool over this!)

=-)

Done Deal!

2008-01-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm the proud new owner of a 2007 Kia Rondo. Pictures will follow but since it was dark when I got home, there didn't seem to be much of a point.

It's an LX V6 in Navy Blue with a gray interior. It has only 10,000 miles and it still under a 5 year, 60,000 mile manufactures warranty. You know, I've never had a car with a manufacturer's warranty! I love the fact that it's blue. I test drove three cars and sat in a half a dozen other models. The Rondo fit me and my needs the best. To get it in a color I like is such a sweet, unexpected plus!

It's looks kind of small from the outside but I picked up my friend and her two sons for a test drive and it holds 5 comfortably. There is almost as much cargo space as my Passport. The second row folds flat for a very large cargo area. The visibility is great from both the front and back seat. In fact, I'm thinking about tinting the back windows to prevent some of the solar gain in the summer and help AJ who seems to be pretty sensitive to sunlight.

It has all-wheel drive, 8 air bags and Electronic Stabilization Control which, when I learned what ESC was, would have been very nice earlier this week. I think I'm getting a lot of car for the money.

They dropped the sticker price by a couple thousand for me and I financed at 5.5% which seemed to be the lowest in our area. I will forever sing the praise of Hertz Sales and Service. They really have done a fabulous job taking care of me this week. I had a great sales guy named Joseph - super easy to work with, no pressure, let me take test drives on my own for hours at a time... Just a really good experience.

I haven't heard from the insurance company but no matter what they do, I'd still be getting a new car. I'll never drive the Passport again. And Hertz dropped the price some more to get the deal done today, so I'm pretty satisfied with the financial price. Can't say that I'm happy since I now have a car payment for a few more years! But, all in all, a good day's work.

It's very nice to have it done and over with. Hopefully this week I can get everything finalized with the insurance company.

thanks!

2008-01-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your sweet comments and concerns. Last night it all started to hit me. I've been feeling pretty anxious today (NOT a good feeling if you know my mental history). Starting to do better tonight.

Very frustrated with trying to decide what kind of car to get. When we bought the passport, interest rates were very low and I've only been paying a bit over $200 a month. Well, I don't want to finance for another 60 months so trying to find a really good SUV, low miles, relatively new for $15k is a challenge. I just hate to shop!

The soreness is starting to fade (the two glasses of wine last night helped!) I'm having headaches so I think I need a couple chiro adjustments.

Thank you Kiana for the consumer report option -I'll probably take you up on it when I decide what I'm going to do! Unfortunately I probably won't get much for my car. It's a 98 and was only worth about $3,000. So I'll probably get enough to pay off the loan and put a bit down on my next car but thats about it.

And get this - my insurance company is paying to have my car towed 150 miles away to their "consolidated" adjustment garage. I don't understand that at all! How is it cost effective to tow vehicles from one major metro area to another? Anyway, I might hear from them tomorrow on my settlement but it will more likely be Mon/Tue.

I'm trying to get excited about a new car but at this point I'm just really bummed I've been set back 2-3 years on my get-debt-free plan!

Thanks for all the love!

I'm Fine!

2008-01-08T21:18:00.001-08:00

Well, since a picture is supposedly worth a 1,000 words, here's mine for the day. I'm fine, AJ was not with me and I'm really ok.

I was driving to work on a snowy day, fishtailed, hydroplaned and lost control. I actually tried to drive it into the ditch hoping I could stop and perhaps drive out again. Unfortunately, my right front tire and the angle of the ditch didn't agree so over I went.

Not the most pleasant experience but I really am fine. I was wearing my seatbelt (PTL!) and came to rest hanging upside down. I was able to crawl out the back door. I scraped my knee and am feeling some sore muscles in my neck and shoulders but that's all.

A very nice lady called 911 and got the cops out and let me sit in her car until the officer arrived. Got a tow, a loaner car and the insurance claim started. Missed a day of work on the day I was supposed to give a very important presentation but oh well. My boss has been great and very understanding.

The first thing the tow truck guy said to me was "So, what kind of new car are you getting?" So yeah, I'm 99% sure they're going to total it.

There's a part of me that's very sad about losing this car. It's really the last part of Alaska and my married life that's still a part of my new day-to-day life. When I went to the tow lot to clear out my personal stuff, I got a bit teary eyed. I remember buying the car with Damon, hauling all our band gear, driving the Alcan... it feels like another chapter of my former life is closing - a chapter I didn't even realize was still open.

The other very frustrating thing is I was ONE MONTH from paying off the car completely! I've really been working very hard to become debt free. I've been very excited to be out from under the car payment and apply the money to eliminating the last of my debts. I think I've almost been sadder today about this financial setback than about the accident itself!

I haven't told AJ at all. She only knows that my car had an issue so we have a loaner car again and mommy thinks it's time we buy a new car. She is very fearful and if she knew what had happened she would be scared and nervous to get into the car for the next few years (and I'm not exagerating). On the way to school today I had a MINOR fishtail going around the corner. She immediately popped up her head (she had been reading). "Are we all right? Oh, my gosh, we could have been killed! Can you drive mommy? That was so scary!!" And she told this story to her mentor this afternoon and told me about it at least twice more this evening. And that was for a minor, no danger tiny fishtail!!! So my parents and friends have agreed to let me freak out with them but mums the word when it comes to AJ! =-)

I'll post a picture when I decide on my new car!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T21:08:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to all my faithful readers, friends and family! May all the blessings of the season be in your homes today!

Shooting Star

2007-12-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

I have never seen
A shooting star
Until today
I had never seen
A shooting star

Crazy Kid

2007-12-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

AJ just had her first orchestra concert. She did pretty well on the violin. She's decided that next year she wants to be in the choir and play the sax. Oh joys - listening to the learning squeaks of another instrument! =-)

Tomorrow is her quarterly visit with her mom. She has been a complete bear to live with the past two weeks. Her temper flares white hot in an instant then she's all lovey-dovey and remorseful. I'm tired just trying to keep up!

I've also just signed my Open Adoption Agreement. Whoo whee! A friend of mine just went through the adoption process with her two boys and we kept commenting on how much like a wedding it feels. I'm totally in the "I'm so excited I'm engaged (but what about the forever part?!?!?)!"

We still have months worth of processing and paperwork to do. The earliest would be the start of summer. Personally I'm hoping for the end of August. Will keep you posted!

Perfect Day

2007-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had just that perfect day at work? Where everything you've done for a year coalesces into a great shiny moment? When you know you've had an impact? When you bide your time and hold your tongue and just at the right moment make an observation that turns the entire tide of the conversation? When you get thousands of dollars in concessions when there were zero dollars on the table to begin with? When you just are riding high because what you said is now being echoed by the company owner and the company President?

Yeah...

Orlando!

2007-11-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

AJ and I just returned from a most amazing week. I had a work conference for 1.5 days in Orlando, FL so we turned it into a week long vacation (vacation at a lower price - yeah!). What an amazing opportunity we had. We did Sea World, WDW - Magic Kingdom, Busch Gardens and Discovery Cove. All were amazing. We did a lot of animal focused things since that is AJ's current passion.

I definitely needed a break after we returned - we were busy from sun-up to sun-down! By day 3 my feet were killing me. My favorite place was Discovery Cove. I found a really great deal online that allowed us to both spend a day in this resort like place and swim with tropical fish, sting rays, and oh yes - dolphins. I hitched a ride to the beach with a dolphin. Is that not the coolest thing ever?!?!?! AJ LOVED the stingray pool. I kept teasing her she was going to turn into a sting ray.

here's a bunch of photos...

Summer of adoption

2007-10-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

Hello there everyone! I see it has been a long time since I posted. I haven't really given up on blogging - I just haven't gotten around to it. And I'm sorry I missed some of your comments (sorry Jenn!). For some reason my email is acting up and I'm not getting all my comments (which are my reminders to get on here and post!).

This summer has been one of stress and great joy. AV was in counseling all summer to think over the issue of adoption. Deciding she wanted to be adopted was soooooo very stressful for her. She started having behavior issues, nightmares and frequent headaches/stomach aches. I was getting really worried about her. Together her counselor, social worker and I reframed the purpose of the counseling from “I have to decide about adoption” to “everyone would like your input on guardianship vs. adoption.”

While AV thought of adoption as her sole decision, she felt tremendous guilt and responsibility toward her parents. When the issue of decision making was placed upon the court (who used input from her, the social worker, her counselor, her parents and their attorneys, etc. to come to its decision) she felt much relief from her self-imposed sense of responsibility.

AV made the decision at the end of the summer that she would like to be adopted and the plan was officially changed in court last month. Yeah! Because of some legal issues with the birth parents, we're probably 8-12 months away from the actual, legal adoption. But the process is started and we know what the future holds!

In June we celebrated one year together as a family and we had our picture taken. Thought you'd like to see us.

Once AV gave her adoption "input", she became a different child. She hasn't stopped singing. She's a cheerful, bouncy, happy, giggly girl. We've had minimal behavior problems. I keep waiting for the after-decision-honeymoon period to end, but she is still this new, happy child. It's like a huge weight was lifted. It's breathtaking to experience the difference. I know I'm not explaining it well. While I've always seen AV as a basically good-natured child, since her decision to want to be adopted, it's like a floodgate of sunlight has been released inside her. She just beams! I will tell you, it's just humbling to be a part of such a journey.

Andrea made her decision right before school started. A couple weeks into school, I started noticing her school papers coming home with her first name and my last name. She is so excited about being adopted, she just started switching her name! At that point, we hadn't really talked a lot about name changes but since then we've had lots of discussions. And now, I am very happy to say, we have decided on her new name - AJM.

Remember when I posted AV didn't know her own middle name? In a weird twist, she doesn't have a last name in common with either her birth mother or her birth father. Apparently her dad did some genealogical research and decided he had an incorrect last name so he changed his last name with the intention of changing AV's at a later point. OR he gave AV this new last name and never got around to changing his. Or some such thing.

Anyway, the result is she never had a last name in common with her family and she never really knew her middle name. So a new name that identifies her as my child and as part of an extended family? A very big deal.

Did you ever keep lists of baby names you wanted to eventually name your kids? I did. I had all sorts of great names like Acacia Dawn. When I married I/we chose Diandra Joy for a girl and Daylen Asher for a boy. Of course, I never had children so I've never been able to name any child. With AV, I have the privilege of naming her A. Joy M. She keeps her first name her birth mom gave her, she gets a new middle name from this mommy that will constantly tell her how glad I am to have her in my life and she gets a last name that forever and always ties her into a common family.

Amazing Show

2007-06-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Still don't like Vegas that much but I have seen Second City and Mystere... and loved them!! Second City was very funny - great sketch and improv.

And then there was Cirque du Soleil - OMG AMAZING! I've seen them on TV and to see them live was just so wonderful!!!! Liquid muscle in motion. A completely engrossing production. The music, the costumes, the lighting - there are not enough superlatives. I'm so very, very glad I went (and was so tempted to buy another ticket.) When I'm rich I would be so tempted to come to Vegas just to see Cirque.

Las Vegas!

2007-06-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Vegas, baby!!!

At least that's what I was going to say last week when I had every intention of posting. The annual Human Resources convention is in Vegas this year and my company is sending me! I have been so excited - about the conference, about seeing Vegas for the first time, about just getting away for a few days!

Well, I can now say I would never choose to come to Vegas on my own. I have been long away from my fervent church days, but even without my past Christian intensity, my heart is sad and sickened by Vegas.

I was riding the conference shuttle back to my hotel (staying at the Flamingo - dive of a big hotel - definitely do not recommend it) and watched this guy on the sidewalk handing out business card sized ads for girls wearing a t-shirt proclaiming your dream girl can be in your room in 20 minutes or less!

Yech! And all the ads for the strip tease shows and erotica shows...

Vegas is pretty overwhelming for a small town girl. I feel better today than yesterday when I was trying to deal with sensory overload on about 4 hours of sleep. There are some pretty things and I hope to see a few good shows (I'm going to Second City tonight). Still, the Strip just kindof turns my stomach.

The conference itself has been great so far. I attended a pre-conference session on finance and accounting for non-financial peoples. Yawn, yawn...I know. Very important stuff to know though. So I signed up for this 8 hour course. Turns out we had an extremely gifted teacher who presented the basics with humor, interaction and really got how hard it is for the non-financially trained mind to wrap their heads around terms like assets, owner's equity, accumulated depreciation, retained earnings and the like.

The opening session of the conference featured a performance by Ruben Studdard and the keynote address by Lance Armstrong. It was cool to think I've heard Ruben live, but I'm not a huge fan of his. Lance Armstrong related his cancer story and passion to find a cure through the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Did you know his foundation has sold 60 million of those yellow Live Strong wrist bands? At a buck each, that's a lot of fundraising! Anyway, he was funny and passionate and good speaker.

Tomorrow is busy, busy, busy with classes and such. I fly back home on Wednesday and then I'm off work until July 5th! YEAH!!!! AV and I are going to take a 3 day camping trip to a local lake for some fishing and swimming. Should be fun!

Japan memories

2007-05-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

As a junior in high school, I had the amazing opportunity to spend a school year in Japan. It was a wonderful experience and I brought back a lot of memories.

This trimester, AV's class has been studying Japan. I volunteered to share my experiences so last week I was the guest speaker in AV's class.

I had great fun pulling out all my Japan memorabilia. I shared a couple games with them, let them look at my photo album, play with real chopsticks, etc. At the end, I dressed AV up in my yukata (summer weight kimono). The funny thing is the Japanese ladies made it extra long and big to fit my western frame. So putting on an extra sized adult kimono on a small child was fun!

Here's a picture of AV all dressed up...

Holiday Mutterings

2007-05-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day to you!

And to all the familes of the service men and women who lost their lives, sincere condolences on this day of memories. And to all those still serving, my sincere thanks.

The latest behavior focus in our household has been obedience - doing what you've been told, when you were told, even if you don't want to!

This is apparently a new concept for my sweet child who would rather argue a thing to death than simply do as she has been told.

So she had her skateboard and was playing with the neighborhood children at my parents house. She had her helmet on and they were on the sidewalks and trying to jump the curb - no problem. So I go out and tell her to gather her stuff; it's time to go. 10 minutes later, no daughter. I go outside and call, no daughter.

I'm looking around and out of the corner of my eye I see movement. I whip my head around in time to see my daughter skateboarding down a steep driveway, into the street, without a helmet after I've told her to come in!

I was so scared and furious in that moment. I don't think she had any idea how fast she was going or how long it would take a car to see and try to avoid hitting her. Later, in my fear and rage I told her "you could have been killed!". She only tried to argue and wanted to know how she could have been killed. Anything to deflect attention off her choices and actions.

So as a consequence, sweet child is in room restriction for two days. No TV, no outside play, no going in the just-opened-this-weekend swimming pool. Her comment when I said no swimming? "You didn't say no swimming just for doing that!" So, she deliberately chose to disobey. Argh!

Too Soon!

2007-05-21T09:12:00.001-07:00

So this morning AV and I are sharing the bathroom counter as we do every morning when she decides to "draw" a line down the middle. Teasing her, I step over the "line" into her "space" and she bursts into real, sobbing tears.

She's crying on a Monday morning, in the bathroom because she has no room to do her hair.

I have one word for you people...

HORMONES!

(and may I remind you this is my 9 year old, third grade daughter!)

New favorite quote

2007-05-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Akeelah and the Bee? A great movie for kids and adults too! I loved cheering for Akeelah.

Anyway, Akeelah has a spelling bee coach (played by Laurence Fishburne) who has her read a quote from the wall. The movie incorrectly attributes it to Nelson Mandela. It was actually first said by Marianne Williamson. It's now my new favorite quote.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel

insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone!

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously

give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

And just in case you were wondering, this is my old favorite quote:

MIND WITHOUT FEAR

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;

Where knowledge is free;

Where the world has not been broken up

into fragments by narrow domestic walls;

Where words come out from the depth of truth;

Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;

Where the clear stream of reason

has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;

Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and action---

Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

Rabindranath Tagore - GITANJALI "Song Offerings"

Just another rambling recap

2007-05-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day was horrible. I wasn't really expecting much. You can't really expect much from a child who's had four homes and is terribly confused as to what a mother really is.

What I didn't expect was the amount of attitude and disobedience the day would bring. Guess I should have anticipated that since the last foster mother promised she would return from Afghanistan and come get AV on Mother's Day. Grrrr.

Anyway, day is done and today was much better.

AV's social worker came over and we all discussed adoption vs. guardianship. AV is very confused but is not opposed to adoption and has actually said several times she would like to be adopted. So we're postponing the guardianship at least three months and AV is going to go back to the counselor she really likes and trusts for several months of counseling focused on adoption. So we'll see.

In other news, I actually asked my boss to go full time. We've been having some issues with one person doing payroll, one person doing time keeping and one person (me!) doing HR. Needless to say, we've had some communication with a capital K issues. So I proposed I take all things payroll and timekeeping and move into a full-time (with benefits!) position.

My boss is actually open to the idea. The issue is timing. I want this to start May 28, the first day of the next pay period. My boss wants to wait until Sept, the start of the new fiscal year. Waiting would not be good for me. My business has really dropped of and I rely on that income. I really want these additional hours to make up for the lost income. So pray for me!

Dilemma

2007-04-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just talked with AV's social worker. With the no contact order on her dad the Attorney General's (AG's) office does think they could prevail on termination of parental rights. So if I wanted to pursue it, adoption could/maybe be a possibility.

Pro for adoption
Adoption is... adoption!
Less explanation to others about our family structure
A true and legal family
Permanancy for AV

Pro for guardianship
AV doesn't want to be adopted though she is less against the idea than before.
AV is ready and excited about guardianship
Guardianship is now; adoption would be another year off or more

Please don't think me crass but there is a financial ramification for me too. I never planned to adopt so soon so I haven't had time to meet some of my fianancial goals. If we go into the guardianship and later do adoption, there is no financial support. I would have to pay all the lawyer fees, court fees, homestudy fees, etc. Adopting straight out of foster care means the state pays all those costs plus they will provide a monthly amount which currently allows us to do things like Tae Kwon Do lessons.

So if we do adoption, I want to make the decision now, not a couple years down the road. But I don't think AV's ready. And guardianship is very much a family...

Miscellaneous Items

2007-04-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have been baptized by puke! Not litterally, thankfully. But I have now experienced the joy of motherhood and mothering a sick child.

All day Saturday AV had been complaining of a stomach ache. She didn't eat her usual amount at dinner. About 11:15pm, just as I was going to turn off my light, there was a frantic knock, knock, knock on my door. "Mom, I just threw up".

I was actually impressed that she hit her trash can for the most part!. So clean up and cuddle time later, finally got her back into bed. Sunday was pretty quiet in the AM but she was out and playing hard again by mid-afternoon.

I've been trying to figure out what would have caused such a stomach upset. We ate everything the same so I'm doubting food poisoning. No fever so not the flu. Maybe just the stress of the week. She did get into big time trouble at childcare on Friday...

On a completely different subject, I had a CD soundtrack playing in the car from the Bollywood movie Lagaan. I meant to turn it off when she got in the car thinking no kid is going to like this type of music. She actually asked me to turn it up and we've been listening for two days (which is a lot of Indian music even for me!). A little culture never hurt anyone! =-)

TMI

2007-04-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

You either find these interesting or incredibly boring...

In either case...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 12:30, 5, and 9:30 (sick kid)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Sapphires

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? One Night at the Museum

4. What is your favorite TV show? House, Lost, Gray’s Anatomy, Survivor and a half a dozen others

5. What did you have for breakfast today? Scrambled eggs and toast

6. What is your middle name? Joann

7. What is your favorite food? Anything chocolate (ditto)

8. What foods do you dislike? Guacalmole (ditto and add mushrooms and olives)

9. What's your favorite Potato chip? Ruffles with French onion dip

10. What kind of car do you drive? Honda Passport

11. Favorite sandwich? Mom’s leftover meatloaf

12. What characteristics do you despise in others? Lying, lack of transparent honesty

13. Favorite item of clothing/accessories? My sapphire earings

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Cruise around the coasts of S. America

15. What color is your bathroom? White walls – burgundy, navy and hunter accessories

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Anything that fits

17. Where would you want to retire to? Wherever my family is

18. Favorite time of day? After 8:30 when AV is in bed and I get a few minutes to myself!

19. Where were you born? Anchorage, AK

20. Favorite sport to watch? Gymnastics

21. Who do you least expect to send this back? ?

22. Person you expect to send it back first? Blog it

23. What laundry detergent do you use? All

24. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke

25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night but work demands I’m up in the morning. Work actually had the gall to threaten me with discipline if I was late!

26. What size shoe do you wear? huge

27. Do you have pets? 2 really cute shih tzu dogs

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? We move into guardianship next month!

29. Favorite Candy Bar ? Milky Way

30. What is your best childhood memory? A school year in Japan when I was 17

31. Ever been to Africa ? No

32. Ever been toilet papering? No

33. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes

34. Ever been in a car accident? Yes, a few. Nothing serious though.

35. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons

36. Favorite day of the week? Saturday morning – so I can sleep in!

37. Favorite restaurant? Chico’s – a local Mexican restaurant

38. Favorite flower? Bright, beautiful, colorful mixed bouquets without roses

39. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate fudge or cookie dough or mint choc chip or vanilla with hot fudge

40. Disney or Warner bros? Disney

41. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy’s

42. What color is your bedroom carpet? Apartment beige

43. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None

44. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? A list serve for organizers

45. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I wouldn’t.

46. What do you do most often when you are bored? Eat – a very bad habit

47. Bedtime? Between 10:30-11:30

48. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? ??

49. Last person you went to dinner with? My daughter

50. What are you listening to right now? TV, AV singing

51. Your favorite color? Blue

52. Ocean or River? Ocean

53. How many tattoos do you have? One long one

Workin' it out

2007-04-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

So we told her today. While we were at the SW (social workers) office, AV was pretty calm. The SW tried to deliver the news very gently and did a really good job.

While the SW left to get some papers for me AV started playing around in the office chair, twirling and pretending it was a bucking bronco. She twirled and worked herself into a sweat for about 15 minutes. If I twirled that much I'd be sick!

Anyway, it really started hitting on the way to soccer practice. Low tolerance for frustration - all of a sudden she couldn't remember how to take off her shirt. And then trying to take off her glasses because her hair was in her eyes. And then, on the walk back to the car, yelling at her "stupid" soccer ball, bouncing it high, yelling that no one likes her...

Then a great pity party in the back seat on the way home... Baby talk... General fussiness...

Just going through the emotions. It's going to be a tough couple days.

Memorizing

2007-04-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

I just walked into AV's bedroom to check in on her. She's lying in bed reciting Tae Kwon Do moves - already working on her next belt level! =-)

It's so great to see her self-motivated to achive in something.

You know, she really is an amazing kid. She tries so hard to please and she really wants to get things right.

She asked about when her next parent visit will be. I choked a bit since I know what tomorrow's discussion topic will be even though she doesn't. Turns out she had a dream about going home, being safe and getting puppies. But then the dream changed into a nightmare as she mother got drunk and started hitting her and she couldn't get away.

So AV was understandably upset and worried that she's never go home. So we talked about the truth, that she won't be ever going home. How hard it is for her to realize it's her parent's choice not to follow the rules so she can go home... And in this conversation she keeps talking about how she's afraid she'll never see them again... And now I'm worried she's overheard something or suspects something or intuits something...

Ack! Telling her is going to be the worst!

Court...

2007-04-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

So I was in court yesterday for the standard quarterly check in. The big news was, of course, this no contact order on her father. Off the record, the attorneys and the judge tried to figure out what her father could possibly done to have so royally pissed off the superior court.

The long and short is no one knows why the order was issued. But it was issued and there's no getting around it. Everyone is very sorry for AV but there's nothing to be done.

The judge and attorneys did mention that a no contact order has to be renewed every 10 years. But even in 10 years AV will be a young woman - who hasn't seen her father or been able to say goodbye.

So I'm taking her to her social worker's office tomorrow and the social worker is going to tell her. This is not going to be a good weekend...

And all this just when I was starting to feel things were back to normal a bit. AV's really been acting out and I think it was triggered by visit mid-March with her mom. She's been doing much better this week. Now we'll go through another cycle...

And this is April

2007-04-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

Sorry about the long absence!

I turned on my "email comment" feature so now I'll actually know when you all show your sweetness and comment. Thanks for the concern!

Kiana even called me! Thanks for the great chat!

So how are AV and I? All in all pretty good. Lots of "moments". I will say I think I'm starting to calm down as a mother so that's very good for both of us! =-)

AV is doing just great in her sports activities. At her soccer game this Saturday, her coach said she played better than he's ever seen her play. Yeah! She recently tested for her gold belt in Tae Kwon Do and passed. Double yeah! (That's her in the center).

She's also turned into quite a little reader. From the struggle earlier this fall to get her to do her 20 minutes a day of reading, she is now falling asleep with 4th grade chapter books in her hands! (she's in 3rd) I'm so happy for her! Now if we could get some progress on the math front...

The guardianship hearing has finally been scheduled for May. So we are making progess. AV is excited since I told her as her legal guardian she could actually stay home alone when she is older. And I can let her learn to drive. And sign permission forms. So she's starting to add up the benefits.

My latest heartache for her is that the courts have issued another no contact order on her father. This means he is not allowed to see her or communicate with her or otherwise ask others to give messages to her. The really heartrending part of this is that the order is in effect until 2058.

Just think for a moment how far away 2058 is... AV will be a middle-aged woman and her father will most likely be dead. This order, in effect, means she will never see her father again.

AV idolizes her father and loves him very much. She feels safe with him and though she can't go and live with him, she is still very much a daddy's little girl. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were told you could never see your father again?

This is going to be devastating for AV. We haven't told her yet. The social worker is trying to get more information on the order (why issued, why only dad and not mom too, etc.). And we're trying to strategize who tells her and when. We're doing state mandated testing this week so I wanted that to be out of the way before dropping this emotional bombshell on her.

And who tells her? Me? I don't want her misdirecting her anger onto me. The counselor? I want AV to feel safe in counseling and not angry. The social worker? It seems unfair for her to have to bear the brunt of the anger but we will likely get a new social worker when the guardianship is finalized so maybe...

I really like AV's social worker and I hate for this to happen. How do you deliver bad news in a good way? And how much do I protect her? Is it better to say "Honey, I'm so sorry. But this means you will not be able to see your dad again." or soften it with the "Honey, I'm so sorry. You just can't see him for a long time." and keep redefining "long time"?

Middle Name

2007-03-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

We found out today that AV's middle name is Marie. We had thought it was Mayra, after her mother. But I finally got a copy of her birth certificate to put in her scrap book and there it was A. Marie V.

The look on her face was so sad. Like she knew Mayra hadn't been right, but she wasn't sure.

How sad a commentary when you don't even know your middle name!

Confidential

2007-02-24T16:41:00.000-08:00

(I'm probably not supposed to share this so don't say anything, 'kay?)

Evidence your grade schooler has been exposed to way too much sexual information:

1 - "So where'd you get all that hair mom?" she asks in this really weird tone. I looked at her and knew exactly where her mind was but simply replied I had cleaned off the vacuum roller and through away the wad of string and hair into my bedroom trash. Then, because I'm never one to let a sleeping dog lie, I say "What did you think? I plucked out all the hair off my privates and threw it in the trash?" Her eyes got huge and she exclaimed "How'd you know that's what I was thinking?!?!"

2 - On the subject of weekend respite (two days with another licensed foster family so the foster mom can get some rest!) "You are going to respite. It's kind of like I get a date with myself." Her take on the subject? "What? Are you just going to turn into a lesbian and suck on your own boobs? (pause) Do you do that, Mom? Suck on your own boobs?"

Thus we have two rules in our family. My sex life is my own business as is what I do or don't do with my body. And I don't discuss either with my small daughter!

Vacation

2007-02-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

The family Disney vacation has expanded to include the other set of grandparents and possibly the sister-in-law and her husband as well. Anyone else like to join us?

=-)

Portrait

2007-02-21T14:22:00.000-08:00

Photo of me by AV. She says I look like Selena. Nice compliment! =-)

Things of Note

2007-02-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

1 - I wore shorts last weekend! And we went bike riding yesterday! Love early springtime in the desert!

2 - My friend, also a single foster mother, is in deep trouble. She spanked her very misbehaving 11 year old foster son. A huge no-no. She reported on herself and all that. She's been asking for respite for several weeks, she's had a 100 degree fever all week and her foster son is in trouble every day in school. I understand, but you can't do that and how do I help support her? I hate to think of the two foster sons getting moved because they're in the pre-adoption phase. It's just... you can't do that!

3 - I'm doing online training at home today. Kindof cool but the pace of training is pretty slow and I'm bored! (so I blog)

4 - AV got beat up at school!! I'm still getting the details from the school's investigation. AV walked from her classroom door (outdoors) to another 3rd grade door to wait for a friend. A female middle schooler was waiting at the door for her younger brother. The middle school girl asked AV what she was doing there. AV said she knew her brother (what was actually said is a bit murkey at this point). For some reason the girl got mad and kicked AV in the legs and pushed her to the ground. When I saw AV at childcare right after school, she was limping and still very teary. She's pretty upset.

Here's the thing though. AV is now scared of everything. If I try to sympathize, her emotions escalate to near hysteria. When I try to remain detached, her feelings get hurt that I don't understand and I'm not helping her. Grrrr. Trying to be a good mother is hard work!

5 - Did my taxes and I'm getting a refund in spite of cashing out an IRA. yeah! Head of household and additional dependent deductions are very nice!

6 - We're planning a family vacation in Jan 08 and I think it might actually happen! Grandma and Grandpa, my brother and his wife and two girls, and AV and I. 4 days on a Disney cruise ship and 3 days at Disney world. Yeah!

Weekends

2007-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to hate weekends. All her behavior issues seem to come to a head on the weekends. Is it me?

Can you tell I'm just blogging in the midst of stress? She is currently scrubbing floors as a consequence for behavior. All she had to do was make her bed. This is a simple thing. Instead, she straightened the blanket hanging off the top bunk and currently serving as her clubhouse, to cover up the unmade bed. I told her that was lying. She got mad, slammed the door, etc.

I later told her lunch was ready when her bed was made. she came out of her room royally pissed off and talking back. I told her to go to her room to calm down and then come back. She litterally looked at me and yelled "No!". It's probably a good thing that we're not allowed to touch kids since a swat on the behind seemed quite appropriate at that moment.

Anyway, she continued to refuse to go to her room, including the famous "Make me!". I put lunch away. She eventually went to her room, came out cheerful and had lunch. So now she's scrubbing three floors for the three times she was defiant and disobedient. Oi!

I really hope this actually leads to a behavior change. A clean house is nice and all but I'd much rather have dirty floors and less stress!!!!

To Do - To not Do

2007-01-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

How not to do L&L:
Child is sassy. Child is given choice to go to her room or the LR - basically anywhere the parent is not. Child refuses. Parent tells the child "you may go to your room with help or without help". Child is (of course) non-compliant. Now parent must follow through. A gentle hand to the back to guide child into the room quickly becomes a physical tussel as the child (literally) digs in her heels for all she's worth.

Probably should read the book *all* the way through - they tell you not to engage in a physical choice. Sigh.

How to do L&L:
Child refuses to stay in her room at bedtime. Child is told not to worry about the consequence of such an unwise choice; mom is sure to think of something appropriate. So the next day, the mom decides that since the child prevented her from getting something done, the child can do one of the mom's jobs. So the child is given the task of cleaning the 'fridge. Mom gets a clean fridge with no fuss!

This is the greatest part - AV actually loved doing it! I assigned her to clean the door and the drawers and she ended up "organizing" the entire fridge. I had apples in gallon ziplocks neatly labled in the crisper (ziplock bags were her invention, not mine) and all the soda lined up in a pyramid "so you can grab it easier Mama". She was so proud of myself. I'm so amused and so proud of her too!

L&L parenting

2007-01-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

OK - so, done correctly, I think this love and logic parenting might work!

Wednesday AV's school PTA sponsored a roller skating night. She wanted to go and she had the allowance to pay for it. Wednesdays are pretty busy so we didn't get home until about 6. I made a quick dinner of soup and biscuits while she ran around doing as much of her pre-bed routine as possible.

6:20 soup and biscuits are ready. She decides to get sassy so using the L&L, I say something to the effect that her words are hurting my ears and she can come back to dinner as soon as she's ready to talk nice.

So off to her room she goes. A few minutes later she comes out and announces she's not hungry. "But mom, my tummy is telling me that it doesn't want to eat? Don't you get what that means?!?!?"

So I again try the L&L thing and say OK. It's good to listen to your body. You don't have to eat. I am going to finish my dinner. You do need to know that choosing not to eat dinner does also mean no snacks at roller skating.

She agrees, bounces around the living room while I eat and then were off. At the roller rink she skates every song for almost two hours. She also buys a candy which I thank her for profusely since of course she bought it for me since she can't have snacks.

We get home and she is sooo hungry. "Mom, I'm hungry!" "I'll bet you are! You skated really hard tonight and used lots of energy!" "But mommmmmm!"

A bit later she comes up with a really great statement, "I should have eaten dinner!"

=-)

Love and Logic

2007-01-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

So have any of the parents out there ever heard of or used Love and Logic? It's a parenting philosophy/system aimed at teaching kids responsibility and self esteem through allowing them to experience the logical choices of their own consequences (age appropriate of course).

In short, you give a child a task they can do (make their bed, etc.), hope they blow it, lovingly empathize with their predicament and then let them try again.

In the book it sounds great. Takes away power struggles, reduces angry parents, lets the kid own their own problems, etc.

My frustration is trying to figure out how to apply this when there is such a lack of history and such defiance on AV's part. She is so sensitive to "anger" that when I use a stern, no-nonsense voice, she will litterally recoil back and then react with her own defensive anger. I don't see myself as yelling or being out-of-control angry, but she does.

So I'm seeking to change some of my skills to help her learn to grow. She uses being "afraid" of me as a shield to avoid the responsibility and consequenses of any given situation so if I can remove that shield, I'm hoping she can begin to learn personal responsibility.

This parenting stuff is not for the faint of heart!!!!

Checking in

2007-01-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Hi there everyone. Looks like once a month might be my speed for posting. Not exactly internet speed but what is a mom to do?

AV has started Tae Kwon Do and just loves it. She earned her white belt today and is already talking about how she can earn her first stripe. So far my fears of her using what she's learned in class outside of class have not materialized. yeah! The owner/master is very good with the kids and teaches appropriate use of the skills. So far so good!

We still have our issues. The other day she kept bugging me to go out to eat. I hadnt decided when she told me she would pay. Since I knew she had a whopping .80 cents, I asked how? She had $20. A lot of money for a little kid. I asked where she got it. After much stammering she said she was at day care and bet another boy that she would win at foosball. She won and he paid her $20. Hmmmmm.

So driving home I asked her if that was the whole truth. She stammered again and completely changed her story to she found the $20 outside of the women's bathroom at her counselor's office. Hmmmmmm again.

So I made the calls and to date no one's stepped up to confirm either story or to claim the money. Guess mom comes out $20 richer on this one!

So she tells this lie about the $20 and *that night* asks if she can have her privledges back from the last big lie she told. I just looked at her. Then gathering my senses, walked her through the you-just-told-a-lie-I-can't-trust-you-so-you're-back-to-square-one logic. She looks at me, and with the utmost sincerety says "But you can trust me with everything else but lying!" I had to turn away before I burst into laughter in front of her. What logic!

This past 6 weeks or so my grandfather has been visiting us from Ohio. He is 93 and other than severe hearing loss he is in great shape!

I was nervous about AV and grandpa meeting. He's been known to be prejudiced (she's Mexican) and has never acknowledged my adopted first cousin as a granddaughter.

Turns out they really took to each other. AV "taught" him Uno while stacking the deck in her favor. They laughed and teased each other and generally kept each other entertained. It was great. Grandpa also taught her about such grown up things as hearing aids and false teeth! =-)

Here's a picture from fall soccer. We start the spring outdoor season in March and start indoor soccer today. I sometimes think I'm crazy to be so busy but physical activity really helps keep her more in control of her own behavior. So here's to Mom's taxi!

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T20:48:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

May your day be truely merry and bright!!

Update

2006-12-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

Santa apparently gives Chat Now Cell Phones as gifts. Or so Grandma has informed me.

Season

2006-12-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

I'm jealous of a myth.

AV still wholeheartedly believes in Santa. Thus mommy needs to produce a Santa present. But what does Santa give her?

I've bought clothes and books but I'm thinkin' those are not Santa presents. She's getting an mp3 player (Sandisk M240) but *I* want credit for that!

So I'm at a complete loss to figure out what "Santa" gives a 9-year old that I'm ok with not getting mommy credit for! =-)

Rejected

2006-11-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling rejected. I write a little column on organization for our local monthly entertainment newspaper. The newspaper was just bought by the weekly newspaper that's trying to provide an "alternative to the daily paper. Got that?

So, anyway, the new editor emailed everyone, threatened to not publish if articles were submitted electronically by the 16th of the month. Oh, and include all your contact info and an invoice because apparently the previous owners neglected little details like phone numbers and reimbursement rates.

Well, that wasn't too hard for moi since I do this for free in exchange for a business tag line at the end of the article. So I emailed in my submission electronically (I'm guessing all the other writers submitted their stories written on the back of diner napkins), only to receive this reply:

Thanks for the submission. Your piece has a nice holiday tie-in so we will be able to use it. However, we are trying to focus on entertainment related topic. Thus, future submissions should have some kind of entertainment tie-in.

Tell me what you think of this either by email reply or by calling.

So tell me dear readers, exactly how entertaining do you find organization?

Perhaps I could write an article along the lines of : "The local Nutcracker production was really great and the progam was organized very well."

Or maybe: "This weeks movie can't be enjoyed without a trip to the concession stand where you'll notice the great organization of the candy display."

Hmmm. So I'm thinkin' I'm out of a free gig. Darn!

Update

2006-11-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

Since I've been personally emailed twice in the last 48 hours by my faithful blog readers, I am starting to get the hint that I need to actually post!

So how are things going? AV and I are doing great. The social worker came about two weeks ago and talked to AV about guardianship, what that meant and that I would be her guardian. After some explanation, AV was just like "ok" and went about her business.

Since then though, the change has been amazing. She used to always make it a point to tell others I was her foster mom. Now she had created a little call and response. She says (most emphatically) "You're MY mom!" and I am to respond (most emphatically) "You're MY daughter!"

So that part is going really well. Academically she is doing great. Sociall - ehhh, not so great. Wonderful survival skills in a dysfunctional family do not translate well into socially acceptable behavior. But we're working on it.

And lying! Whewee but that child can lie! And so stubbornly defend her lies even when confronted with hard evidence! So we're also working on that.

The nightmares are tons better. Funny enough she had 5 nights of nightmares in a row right after we discussed the guardianship. Those nightmares though were pretty mom focused so even my thick dream-interpretation brain could figure that out.

One of the ways I explained guardianship vs. adoption was that she was gaining me as a mom. She wasn't losing her parents - they're still mom and dad. But they can't take care of her so she gets to add a mom to her life. Now, so long as she doesn't announce to people that she has two mommies, I think we'll be ok! =-)

Work is going well. I did get the mongo raise I asked for!!! So thank you everyone for the encouragement! 18%!! It took forever because the company fiscal year starts in Sept but the budget wasn't approved until mid-October.

My business is doing ok. I'm finding it very difficult to balance parenthood and promoting my business. I do have a new opportunity to push my services more into the business sector so I'm really hoping that pans out.

I think that's enough for now - don't want to overwhelm you all!

Shattered

2006-10-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

I think there is no more of a heinous crime than to shatter the innocence of a child.

AV was put on a "behavior plan" at her after-school care place. She's been talking sex with the other kids and a few parents complained. I don't blame them - I'd be furious if my 8-9 year old was learning about sex from some other kid.

But this is a big issue for AV. She was forced into her knowledge way too early and that dormant period of childhood is lost, never to be regained. She has all this knowledge and no idea of social mores. We've had to establish the rule "sex is for grown-up and talking about sex is only to be done with a trusted grown-up".

I am so mad on her behalf that she would ever have been harmed in this way.

Good News

2006-10-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

I would just like to inform my internet audience that I bought a new pair of pants for work this weekend...

... 2 sizes smaller than everything in my closet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Checking in!

2006-09-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hi there dear internet! I've been a bit busy with this whole mommy thing so I have neglected my postings. Then I got a very sweet email from my former MIL who encouraged me to keep blogging. Nice!

Anyway, AV and I are doing great. They have asked me to be her legal guardian. Legal guardianship is just one step down from adoption. They do not believe AV will become available fo adoption because they don't think they can terminate the father's parental rights. Apparently there are seven legal tests that must be met before rights can be terminated and the State does not feel they can prevail on all 7 tests. So she can't go home but she can't be adopted either.

Turns out this may be the best plan for AV anyway. She HATES the idea of adoption. Seems her father has told her that if she is adopted, she'll never see her family again. Not true with open adoption but she believes it. So guardianship will give her a permanent plan without the trauma (in her mind) of adoption. So I'm ok with it.

I am now a cliche - a soccer mom! AV is on a soccer team and just loves it. She's really good too. The coach calls her a natural goalie. It's great to watch her get out there and play. So now our schedule includes twice weekly practices and weekly games. I had thought to start her in piano but I think I'm going to hold off on that until after soccer!

I just got back from a week in VA visiting my SIL and neices. I finally got to meet Cadee! The girls are just so cute! Cadee is 17 months and Rori is just shy of her third birthday. I had so much fun with them and enjoyed playing "auntie". I was glad to give Nikki a break too. My brother Guy is in the Navy and is on a 6 month deployment. He is due home in 6 weeks. So it's been a long stretch of being a single mom to two preschoolers!

Nikki also got me into scrapbooking. I brought a bunch of AV photos and Nikki gave me a ton of stuff she no longer wanted. So during naps and evenings I created scrapbooks for AV from 1st and 2nd grade. It was so sad to realize, she has no tangible memories of life before foster care. All the pictures and such that she has all start from when she came into care.

Finally!

2006-08-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Pictures of AV...

Camp Aftermath

2006-08-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

"So mom, this is what you're going to do. I'm going to cry and then you're going to call and cancel the day camp for next week and take me back summer camp instead. OK?"

(She loved camp! Can you tell? =-) )

Missing

2006-08-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

I miss my kid. Silly, unrealistic or whatever, the fact is I miss her.

I don't like going home to an empty, silent house... at least on this third night. Night one was wonderful - pizza and beer and silence all to myself! Night two was ok - worked late, did lots of chores at home, another beer... etc.

Today though, yep, ready for her to come home. Though I'm very sure she is having the time of her life and is very much NOT ready to come home! =-)

Summer Camp

2006-08-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

AV is going to summer camp tomorrow. It somehow seems wrong for a two-month old parent to be so excited about a week's reprieve. =-)

I've already created this huge list of all the business and personal things I plan to do while she's away. But I have a sneaking suspicion that what I'll really do is watch TV, read and drink the occasional beer without guilt or worry (she's from an alcoholic family so any sign of alcohol completely flips her out - so no alcohol in my house at all).

These past couple months have been wonderful but also very taxing. The constant need for attention, the clingy-ness, the nightmares, the fears, the drama. So I'm looking forward to the next week and I think that must make me a normal parent! =-)

Avatar Traffic Jam

2006-08-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

I recently received this email after a talk I gave at a local church ladies meeting. I don't think I've ever seen so many smileys....

Hi ,

Thank you for such an inspiring and encouraging teaching on organizing our lives. Shelby said so many ladies said they enjoyed it and were glad they came. You were wonderful. Hope you get some business from these hyped-up ladies. You got them thinking and picturing their ideas, now they just have to take some action. As soon as I can, I'll make an apointment for you to help me get my house in order, THEN my garage. I know you answered my question before your session, but thought someonelse would like to know since "I" would clean out the garage, then stash all my "junque". I know! I know! Keep, toss, donate, whatever box to stop the popcorn antics. you made it fun to understand how this helps us in our life..
T

First Time

2006-07-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

I just asked for my first raise. I've never had to ask for a raise before. I've always been paid well and considered it fair for the job. In this position, I know I'm getting paid lower than my peers and I'm doing an excellent job so I decided to take the plunge.

I asked for an 18% increase. !!

My boss said he agreed I was doing an excellent job and would cogitate on the request.

Here's hoping!!

AV Update

2006-07-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here at work realizing how much I miss AV. Funny thing is, I really look forward to work because she is such a busy/demanding child. Just a month together and I miss her when we're not together. (All together now - Awwww).

I haven't written much because I have been so busy. I've got her schedule written out but I'm still trying to re-configure mine. Last week I think I left something at home almost every day - my breakfast, my cell phone, my brain, etc. I think Mommy needs to post a check list!

I also haven't written much because it's been such an emotional upheaval regarding whether or not AV will be with me long term. At first the social worker (SW) said she would be staying long term at my house and would I consider the possibility of adoption? Then the SW received an email from a previous foster family AV had been with for a year. The last the SW heard from them was they thought AV was great but they were not interested in adoption. Now the former foster mother is saying they would like her back. And the SW is inclined to move AV because AV has a stronger connection with this other family.

Here's the kicker though. AV left the family because the mother left for civilian contractor job in Iraq. She's not coming back until April 07. But she is returning home for a 2 week vacation in September so the SW will talk to the family more then. But AV left because the dad works rotating shifts and they couldn't provide supervision for AV. But now this former foster mom is indicating she wants to find a way to bring AV back.

And here's another caveat - things were not all honkey-dorey in this home. I'm in contact with another foster mom who has a child that was in this other foster home. And I know this former foster mom is under investigation. But my SW seems to just dismiss this fact. Grrrr! Even if AV does not stay with me, I will fight to keep her out of a home she does love but also fears.

This is really hard because she is my first placement. But honestly, I think I would feel less torn if AV had been a temporary placement. But now that she is long-term and then potentially adoptable, I feel like someone is threatening my child.

And, in the manner of many foster children, she is becoming more and more attached to me. We have lots of discussions on trust and will I be there for her and will I love her if she does _X__. And she's growing comfortable enough to tell me her secrets and to get mad at me. She got in semi-serious trouble for the first time this weekend and lost swimming privledges for a day. She didn't like that but her real issue was whether I would still love her and if the rest of the day would be miserable.

And last week she pitched a sulky fit as we were doing "Brain Power" (summer studies since she missed being enrolled in summer school) and lost her "good attitude" mark for the first time. After about 30 minutes she came to me and asked if I would love her even if she had "anger issues". I had to swallow a smile at her terminology as I solemnly promised to love her even when not pleased with the behavior.

So we are bonding and doing well. I just feel this black cloud looming overhead...

Visitors!

2006-07-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Donna was here!

For those of you who know her she says hi and hopes to spend a month in AK in August.

For those who don't know her, Donna is a college friend currently in the States on furlough from her life as a mission teacher in Papua New Guinea. She is a part of the Wycliff team translating the Bible into the native language. She teaches Jr. High missionary kids who board at the school while their parents are in the villages working on the translation.

She is currently in the states traveling all over visiting family, friends, and supporters. I'm so glad I was part of her itinerary! We had a great visit. She really lights up when she talks about teaching the kids.

Here's Donna with AV.

Talking

2006-07-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

Conversations I Never Expected to Have with an 8 Year Old

2. You do not need to wear underwear with your swimming suit.

First Illness

2006-07-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

102.8. Damn that's hot!

Guess that kids tend to get temps but this new mommy was concerned. Everytime I took that kid's temp yesterday it was up another 1/2 a degree.

If I had known her longer I probably would have just kept her home, but since she's new I took her to Immediate Care (three hours later I was definately thinking they should change their name!!!). The NP thought it was a virus and possibly migraines.

So by 9pm last night her fever was down to 98.6 and she was normal this morning. This evening she was back up to 101.3 and complaining of a hoarse throat.

Of course this is all complicated by the fact she's in respite for 4 days because I have a business booth at a 4 day trade show over the weekend. She didn't want to go to respite (even though she knew the kids from another foster home). Poor baby, I know she was worried and a bit freaked she was moving again even though I reassured her she wasn't. I think it began to sink in when I said she was just VISITING this family and still LIVING with me.

So I made her go to care even with a sore throat. After all, we know she is a bit of a drama queen. And this trade show is really important to me to generate some much needed business.

I feel I'm walking such a fine line here. On the one hand, I know she can be manipulative and she blows any little boo-boo way out of proportion in an attention seeking bid. On the other hand, she has really good reason to be insecure and 1 week is hardly enough time to know the Mommy is trustworthy and really will come back and get you. I am her 4th placement after all.

Anyway, the respite giver and I talked several times today trying to help AV feel secure but also stay at the respite home. At 7:30 the caregiver called me and said her temp was up to 101. That was it. I closed my booth (the show was dead, dead, dead anyhow) and went and picked up my child. Faking a sore throat is one thing but how could she fake a fever? We cuddled on the couch while she drank gatorade and watched TV.

Maybe I'm indulging my heart too much. How do you balance a foster child's emotional needs with appropriate behaviors?

I still have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. If she's sick she can't go to care. If she's not sick... I'm tempted just to bring her to the trade show for a few hours. She'll see what I'm doing and get really bored and hopefully want to go back to the respite care home.

Just talking

2006-06-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Conversations I Never Expected to Have with an 8 Year Old

(or with anyone for that matter)

1. The prevention of skid marks and proper toileting hygiene

First Impressions

2006-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Thur - AV comes to stay with me

Fri - AV watches me do my makeup and hair in the morning. "You wear makeup?" "Yup."

Sat - We get ready to go camping that weekend. "Mommy, why aren't you wearing your makeup?" "Because we're going camping and I'm not out to impress anybody!"

Mon - AV watches me do my makeup and hair in the morning. "So who are you trying to impress today Mommy?"

Fake Out

2006-06-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I fixed stir fry veggies for dinner tonight. Chinese peas, zucchini, asparagus - all from the local Farmer's Market. Yum!

So AV eats everything but the asparagus and starts complaining. "Do I have to?" "They're nasty! "I don't like these!"

And so and so on. Typical kid stuff. So I tell her she has to eat three pieces. She gets one, nibbles, makes a nasty face, forces herself to swallow, chases it with huge gulps of milk. "Do I have to eat more? You eat it for me! I don't like it!"

I cheerfully tell her only two more and studiously ignore her - trying to prevent a contest of wills.

She manages, with much vocal protest, to get the other two pieces down. Yeah AV! Good job. Very proud of you!

I'm sitting there, mentally congratulating myself on managing this parental crises, when I look over and see this child gleefully chewing while enthusiastically spearing as much asparagus as her fork will hold. For a moment, a very brief, shining and delusional moment, I wonder if I've wrought some sort of food preference miracle.

She bursts into giggles and laughter. "I love these! These are so good!"

What?!?! Why you little stinker! And I burst into my own laughter. Such drama - not over the asparagus but at tricking me! So no aversion to asparagus, just an evil flare for drama. Hysterical! =-)

Miniature Bombs of Nastiness

2006-06-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Something to laugh at… I unpacked AV’s winter coat and tossed it toward the door to be taken to the front hall closet. She gives a shout and runs over to the coat. I’m wondering why this coat is so important…she starts emptying out the pockets. Good for AV!

Until she says “Yup, they’re still there”. Chicken eggs… raw, now cracked, half baked from the sun chicken eggs. Why the coat pocket was a good place for chicken eggs, I wouldn’t know.

So I leave the coat there for a moment while we finish unpacking the box only to see movement out of the corner of my eye – my dog is eating the stinky, rotten chicken egg! Yell at the dog, move the coat to the bathroom to be dealt with later. Return to what I was doing only to see movement out of the corner again… now Seby has pulled the coat down from the counter and is going for the eggs! Yell at the dog – move the coat again and return to the bathroom to now clean up thick nasty yellow yolk on my rug, the counter, the sink…

Yup, being a mom is going great!

I'm a Mommy!

2006-06-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

I got my first placement last night!

AV is a sweet 8 1/2 year old girl. She's been in foster care about a year and a half. I'm her 3rd placement. Her first placement was a year long and had to end because the foster mom got a job out of the country. The second placement was 6 weeks long and ended because the foster mom asked that AV be moved. The reason I was given for this move is that the foster mom is a sweet person but not touchy-feely. AV is very much a cuddle bug - lots of hugs and kisses. The foster mom was uncomfortable so AV had to move.

AV is definately a touch kind of person. Within an hour she was giving me hugs, blow kisses, holding hands, signing "I love you"... And since I have no problem with hugs this is all fine by me. (There may be some boundary issues to deal with in the future but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

She finished 2nd grade and is working at grade level though she is weak in her math and reading skills. So we'll work on that through the summer. She loooooves to sing. She sang to almost every song on the radio and then switched to Sunday School songs during the commercials.

DCFS arranged for her to be in the YMCA day camp while I'm at work and with clients. The social worker gave all the Y info to me and AV needed to bring a lunch, water bottle, sun screen, swim wear all in a backpack. And I didn't have any bread, meat, juice, water bottle, lunch sack, sun screen or backpack in my house! So a quick trip to Fred's and $50 latter (!), the child is outfitted for the day.

This morning she woke me at 5:30am. She said she had been up reading and coloring "for a long time!" So I'm really hoping the early morning is all about the excitement and a new place and not a regular thing! I put her to be about 8:30 last night so maybe I need to push bed time back a bit.

Oh, and I didn't tell you that AV's long term permanancy plan is adoption. Not that I'm ready to adopt less than 24 hours after meeting her! But, AV will not be returning home (baring the unforeseen) and the social worker is moving to terminate parental rights in September. So the social worker is looking for a long term placement that could possible become an adoptive placement. And adoption is part of my long-term dreams...

The frustrating part is that we don't know if I'll be the long term placement. This all happened so fast... The social worker called me directly but the Placement Coordinator (a different person) had another foster family in mind for AV. Who's to say if that will make a difference. As you can tell, I'm pretty enthusiastic and practically falling in love already. I am trying to hold back a bit and work on a reality check. The future is very uncertain.

AV is very aware that she is not going back home and knows that the social worker is trying to find a permanent placement. I feel for her - tough place to be for an 8 year old kid.

I guess that's it for the moment. Now that I've gotten all this out of my system I hope I can focus on work!

Her X-Powers

2006-06-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

KC and I went and saw X-Men III this weekend. Very good movie!

So at the end of the movie the credits start to play and we follow the crowd and begin to file out. Three rows below us, a pretty 20-something turns around an tells the stranger behind her "TV Guide.com said there was something to see after the credits!"

She was lounder than she intended. The entire theater paused their exit strategy, turned, applauded her and then sat back down! It was amazing!

But even better was the following 5-10 minutes. The credits kept going and going and going... I was sure someone was going to get disgusted with themselves for listening to a stranger and delaying their own rush to relieve overly-full bladders.

But nope - everyone stayed put. This girl had the entire theater in her thrall!

Finally, the credits cleared and a very important little scene did play!

I saw her exiting with her friend and she remarked she has been getting very nervous as the credits continued to drag on. I told her she must have her own mutant power to be able to hold a room full of strangers at her command!

Weekend

2006-06-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

The weekend with KC was good. A very nice kid. Incredibly energetic but very polite. He voluntarily took out the trash and made his bed! Cool!

He also believes himself completely invincible. This was very weird for me as I have always been more cautious and never break the rules. KC , on the other hand, was bragging about diving over a 4 ft tall hedge and seriously wounding his elbow, showing off scars and bulging torn tendons...

He loves Mt. Dew and told me about some guy who burned a hole in his stomach from drinking too much Mt. Dew. True or not the guy was KC's hero! Gack!

I'm not sure how I would deal with this. I'm not sure if it's a young male thing, a unhealthy symptom of stress being in the system or some sort of combo.

At the end of the weekend, I asked KC what he thought about staying with me. He told me he really wanted to stay with another foster dad but this other foster home hadn't renewed their license. The other home is near to where KC currently lives and many of his friends, so it's understandable.

Don't know what will happen from here. I'll keep you posted!

Foster kid

2006-06-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

So I have a 16 year old boy this weekend for respite care. His current guardians (a more permanent status than foster parent) are moving out of state and KC wanted to remain in the area so he could continue to visit his mom.

So we're doing a trial weekend. If it works out, KC will come live with me.

I got to say a 16 year old boy is a far cry from the 7-10 year old girls I thought I'd get! =-)

BTW - so far he seems very nice and likeable. We share an interest in TV, movies and books. He even likes some of the same fantasy authors I do!

Will keep you posted!

Stop Now and Save Yourself

2006-06-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

"If we get a deadly strain of bird flu it may in fact kill all those who
attend church. The larger the Church you go to the more risk of death of all of
your family. Also small churches may kill off all their people."
Article here.

Restless

2006-06-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

I was feeling super restless this weekend. My clients have all dropped away and I'm finding myself with way too much time on my hands.

So Friday night I realize I will go completely nuts if I just sit home all weekend with nothing to do. So I decide I need to go to the beach.

I've always thought it sad to live in a place but never know it. And I always day dream about weekend trips and seeing what there is to see. I've even talked with a couple friends and made definate someday plans.

But I never go anywhere.

So I decided I had a free weekend and I was going somewhere, damn it! Well, after making lots of grandious plans, I kindof chickened out of a 6 hour drive to the coast as a spur of the moment trip. Especially since I don't want to spend money on a hotel room. I thought I would camp and I found some great parks but I don't yet own a sleeping bag, tent, lantern, folding chair, etc. You see the issue.

So I woke up late Saturday and thought, Duh! there's got to be something around the area I can go see!

Enter Palouse Falls. I gathered a neighbor child and her friend and the two dogs and the five of us drove just past Washtucna, WA to the Palouse Falls state park.

What a great place! You follow this super twisty, curvey country road, turn off to a dirt road and travel between hay fields wondering WTF?!?!?! And then, as you pull into the parking lot, you can hear a low rumble. Down a short path, and the ground drops away from sheer cliffs and you see this huge waterfall tumbling down into a massive round cut into the ground.

It was very odd... You drive to this place going over gentle hills, and you kind of wonder where a waterfall could be. The land all feels at the same relative level. Then you realize you are standing at the top of a sheer cliff, looking down into a massive, round rent in the earth. The height of it was dizzying.

I didn't actually take the picture of this little guy. This is a Hoary Marmot at Palouse Falls. We saw three of them but all my pictures came out blurry and far away. And he's too cute not to be seen.

Next weekend is Father's Day. After that, I'm going to the coast!

The real perspective

2006-06-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

My brother is in the Navy and is on a 6 month tour of duty - on a ship, away from his wife and two daughters.

Last week the ship was in Israel and he wrote several very enthusastic emails about how great that stop was. Loved the tours, the country, the history, the architechture - the whole 9 yards.

I told him I was glad he had such a great stop but it seemed kindof sad that the highlight of this tour might have come in the first month!

His reply?

"As far as it being the highlight, I will have to wait and see about the rest of the time and places we go. And there is always one better highlight... returning home, nothing will beat that. Period."

First Foster Care follow up

2006-06-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

He was a nice 11-year old boy just at my home for respite (regular foster parents get 2 days of respite a month) so his foster mom and dad could go off for an anniversary weekend. He spent most of his time on the computer surfing the Lego Star Wars figures and outside fighting the neighbors with his lightsabers. He is seriously into Star Wars.

I did get really upset at one thing though... When I talked to the foster mom, she mentioned she knew it was my first time. (A bit of background - the social worker called me last month to take two sisters long term. We worked on it for over a week and then I decided not to take the girls. It was a tough decision. And then the social worker gave me new info and I felt I might have made the wrong decision. Arrrrgh. Anyway, I think the social worker thought I was feeling a bit gun shy about jumping into the foster parenting thing.)

Back to the story... I didn't mind the social worker telling the foster mom so much BUT the foster mom then told the boy that he had to be really good at my house because he was the first child I had. AND if he wasn't good and I didn't have a good experience, I wouldn't do foster care.

OMG!!! What a load to lay on a poor kid!!! I was sooo mad. I did talk to the boy and several times through the weekend told him he was doing good, my decision didn't hang on him... etc. I think he got it by the end of the weekend but still! I did tell the social worker who thanked me for the feed back. Hopefully this won't happen again.

The joys of working in a government system...

Stretching the lunch hour

2006-06-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

For all of us who've always wanted a bit more lunch hour...

The Lunch Clock

First Child

2006-06-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I have my first foster child. I'm doing weekend respite care for a 11-yr-old boy. This weekend is his foster parents' anniversary so all 5 (!) of the foster kids are in respite care. His foster father dropped him off Friday just before dinner and will pick him up on Sunday night.

So fare it seems to be going well. I've made the first parental sacrifice - no sleeping in on the weekends! The foster parents requested I keep him on his schedule - 8pm bed and then he wakes up on his own at 6:30-7. Fortunately he slept in as well so I didn't have to get up until 8am.

So a happy weekend to all of us!!

Spell T - H - I - S

2006-05-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

This article in USA Today talks about the growing media popularity of the National Spelling Bee.

The article also includes a 6 word spelling test.

I got 1 out of 6. Which is just pitiful.

And I only knew the definition of one of the words (which was not the one word I spelled correctly). Seriously pitiful.

So, how'd you do?

Sleepy

2006-05-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days when you just can't wake up?

I'm sitting at my desk swimming in my tiredness.

The scary thing is I had to drive to another town 1.5 hours away this morning. Thank God for good audio books, Diet Coke, Red Bull and pretzels.

And he huffed, and he puffed...

2006-05-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

So this is what a wind storm can do... (Note the now-slopeing fence line and the chimney from the apartment the tree rests on)

Very thankfully, this was not my apartment, just the complex where I live (which is close enough!)

Angry sky but very pretty...

Hot, hot, hot!

2006-05-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

OMG - 99 degrees today. It's only May people!!!

Work Vent

2006-05-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. In this day and age why would anyone not understand that having bikini clad women on calendars or posters in your locker is a clear violation of sexual harassment policy! OMG - I'm getting push back and resistance from a supervisor and manager!! People who are supposed to know better!

Why would anyone not want to work towards a workplace that is free of harassment and discrimination for everyone? What you do at home is your business but the work place should be a place with standards set that are respectful to every employee, client, customer, etc. So have the nude calendar in your home shop but not at work! Sexual innuendo and foul language in the lunch room is not acceptable!

I am preparing a training session on harassment and discrimination for the end of the month. A one hour mandatory session for everyone in the company. I had thought it would be a light-hearted review since there's been training in the past. Now I'm realizing I'm going to encounter a lot of resistance.

I hate being the heavy - the police force. Part of my problem is that I want to be liked. That is a very bad quality to have in an HR manager. My job often involves policy and discipline which does not equate with being a beloved co-worker. I'm not a co-worker really to anyone in the sense of being able to gripe, bitch or just decompress after a tough day. HR touches everyone and everything is confidential so I have to be circumspect with everyone.

I do like my job so I shouldn't complain. I just need to find other friends and confidants outside of work - something I really struggle with. It's tough to find a good friend who will just let you vent.

So thanks for being a friend dear Internet!

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Dad and I bought my mom car wash gift certificates and flowers. And this morning Dad made taco omelets for breakfast. Yummy! My brother called from somewhere in the Mediterranean which was a complete and wonderful suprise for my mom.

As far as my own motherhood status... I have received my foster care license. I had two call last week. The first child ended up being placed with a relative and the second child was also never placed I think because of the after-school, summer care help I would need.

So for the moment the spare bedroom is still spare.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Wine Tour

2006-05-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

I went on my first wine tour! The Yakima Valley in Eastern Washington is quickly becoming a very popular wine tour destination. There are lots of wineries all over the valley.

I have never been into wine but since I live close to this area and everybody seems to know something about wine, I thought I should do a little self-education.

The singles group I'm a part of was invited by another singles group do join them on a Spring Barrel Wine Tasting bus tour. So I talked a friend into joining me and off we went!

First note of amusement - there were three singles groups represented on the bus. My group is a general singles group - no age or activity focus but the membership does tend toward the older crowd. The other two groups were over 50 singles groups. So my friend and I, at a ripe old 35 each, were the youngest on the bus! =-) That was very funny.

Second amusement - 10 minutes from our first destination the bus broke down. To pass the time we had an improptu comedy show with several jokes and many grumbles that we didn't yet have any wine to pass around!

We stopped first at the Port of Prosser where we visited the storefront for Alexandria Nicole, Cowan Vineyards, Hogue Cellars, Kestrel Vineyards and Thurston Wolfe.

Third amusement - Spring Barrel wine does not taste good! As part of my education I learned that spring wine is still in the barrel and is a couple weeks to a couple months from being bottled. And then the bottles age for a period before going on sale. So spring barrel wine is much sharper than any finished product. I really admire the wine makers who can taste the spring wine and know how long to leave it in the barrel, and how long to leave in the bottle before sale.

From Prosser we moved to Sunnyside and visited two wineries there including Tucker Cellars.

Fourth amusement -I am, apparently, a complete lightweight when it comes to wines. After our second stop I was starting to get a headache the bloomed into a 5-alarm nightmare as the day wore on. I don't even remember the names of the wineries in between the first and the last stop. I was hurting so bad. I quit sampling wine - I had no idea that little sips would kill me like that!

Which was very sad because I was really getting a kick out of seeing new country and learning new things. I usually go for white wines and on this trip I discovered Viognier - which is very good. I even tasted a merlot that I really liked and I'm usually not a fan of red wines! So the middle of the tour is a bit of a blur. Which was sad for another reason...the best and most beautiful winery we visited was the last one on the tour - Terra Blanca.

Terra Blanca was by far the most beautiful place we visited. Many of the wineries are in a seperate location from the vineyards. But at Terra Blance you pass through the vineyards on the way to the winery. The drive remined me of several scenes from A Walk in the Clouds. I really wish I had been feeling better so I could have appreciated it more.

Anyway, with the exception of feeling completely ill at the end, I really enjoyed my first wine tour. I learned bunches and now I know what to send for Christmas presents! =-) Here's a few picts you might like....

Desert Bloom

2006-05-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

There are a couple weeks each spring when the desert blooms with lovely clusters of purple/lavendar/white flowers. Then these tall yellow flower come out wash the desert with a pale yellow that bends in the breeze. And now the dark purple flowers that replace the lavender clumps can be seen in the low folds of the hills. It's a very pretty time.

And lest anyone think I don't live in the desert - check out the tumbleweed!

Random ruminations

2006-04-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I feel I was closer to my core self at 18 than 35? What is it that moves us away from the person we are to be something we’re not?

I have had the opportunity in the last year and a half to re-examine and re-choose who I want to be – my attitudes, behaviors, views, opinions – everything. And what I find myself moving towards feels very familiar – like a distant memory. There are times when I can emotionally jump from now back to senior year of high school/first year of college and see a person I really like. But what happened to those in between years?

Yes, I’m divorced and that was very hard but I’m not bitter. We had many really good years together and I have a lot of really great memories. But what is it about those marriage years that pulled me away from the person I was?

I’ve actually heard from several other women lately that they have felt similarly. That somehow through the marriage and mothering process they lost their own personality. Some of these women are divorced, some are still married.

It makes me think – if I was ever to venture into the dating/marriage arena again, how would I manage the compromise of relationship while holding on to the core of me? What about this new foster parent adventure I’m about to go on?

I like this person I am becoming – much more than the person I was 2-5-10 years ago. How does one hold onto that and continue to grow?

Easter Sunday

2006-04-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Since you guys seemed to like the spring photos from around the apartment complex, I thought I'd share these. I took a walk in the local park on Easter Sunday...

1st Birthday

2006-04-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law just sent me pictures from my nieces 1st birthday. Looks like she's haveing a great time, doesn't it?! =-)

The Great Granola Plot

2006-04-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

I've gotten into doing yoga. I've always loved stretching and toning more than cardio type exercise so yoga is perfect.

After doing this new yoga routine for a few weeks, I realize that many of the moves are familiar...from gym time in elementary school.

I went to elementary school in the mid-70's . Our town was very small, very quaint and had a decidedly "artistic" (read tree-hugging, granola-eating, sandal-wearing, shower-eschewing) bent.

My parents were not part of this group. They were very much white-collar professionals who scoffed at all things hippie.

So I wonder how disturbed they would be to know that my first exposure to that eastern evil of yoga was as a sweet, young, impressionable elementary school kid just going to gym class?

The Big Brother Excuse

2006-04-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there - long time no speak!

My excuse is big brother. See, work installed a new tracking feature that now tracks each person's internet use (addresses and time spent at the address). So I decided I should be very good (being the HR person and all) and not do anything not related to work.

Which meant I never blogged because I'm too busy/tired when I get home.

But the powers-that-be discussed the company use of the computers policy and we decided personal use that did not interfere with business demands was acceptable. And since I wrote the policy, I'm now sure that taking a few minutes from my break to blog is a-ok!

Lucky you! =-)

Pictures of Summer

2006-04-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

T and I walked around the apartment complex today taking photos of "summer". Here are her top three:

Anger Management

2006-03-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

I got angry today. Some stupid situation that didn't work out like I planned.

So I ended up at home for a few hours...and I did the most amazing thing.

Usually I deal with anger by eating, watching TV, being still - any number of passive, unhealthy ways.

Today I actually decided to exercise - and I did! In spite of being dressed for the office and being off schedule yada yada yada, I changed clothes, rolled out my yoga mat and worked out for 45 minutes.

I'm so proud of myself! =-)

Foster Care

2006-03-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm through with all the home inspections. Now she writes up the report, forwards it to her boss and then I get licensed. Turns out her boss is currently out of town so we're looking at least two more weeks of processing before I get the first call.

Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I am completely doubting myself right now. On the one hand I look at my schedule (yesterday I didn't get home until 7pm and then did two more hours on the computer). On the other hand I know I want this (as evidenced by my purchases this weekend which included a really cute red and natural wood chair to match the built in desk!)

So I don't need to worry about my crazy schedule and kids for at least two more weeks. Then I can worry... =-)